Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Losses you can blame on your children.

As a Mother there are so many things you can blame on your children when you lose them. Right off, the first tto go is your sleek and sexy abdominal muscles. Forfeit them to stretch marks. Your ability to tie your own shoes goes as well, sometime between month five and nine of pregnancy. During birth, you lose your privacy.

Really, what is private about privates when you are laying in a bed, legs spread, and everyone is staring at your nether regions? During the whole process you don't even notice, because you are too busy trying to figure out what the difference between pant and push is, and why you decided to have kids in the first place. Junior gets the best view though, all the way out.

Then the after birth losses start; saggy breasts, loss of sleep, loss of girlish figure... the list goes on and on.

Some losses are just not what you expected. My girlfriend lost half a morning once, arguing with a two year old to convince him to unlock her (running) car and praying that he didn't find the gear shift or the sharpie marker collection. I lost half an hour once, because my keys were in someones bright green fuzzy purse. I KNOW I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my ability to get up and go. I'm even losing my money.

So what, I think to myself. I can blame pregnancy hormones. But no, readers digest has to publish some research showing that all this extra estrogen is good for my memory instead of bad. If estrogen is so good for my memory, that means Cora is responsible for misplacing my bank card right?

Excuse me, I have to go flash another old credit card in front of her, and ask her where the pretty green and white one is that she took out of my purse. I thought this wasn't supposed to happen until the teen years.

Monday, March 17, 2008

What my daughter learned today.

Yesterday, my daughter learned that sometimes Mommys cry for no obvious reasons. She learned that her new puppy backpack has a tail. She learned that Mom holds the tail. She didn't like that lesson.

She learned that lions roar. The noise is just fun. I'll have to hint daddy into asking that question tonight. She also watched the baby story today.

When I was lounging in a chair trying to catch up on my weekend sleep, she walked up, my dressy white winter gloves in her hand. With a professional snap that brought visions of doctors changing into latex she pulled them onto her hands. She was talking the whole time, most words not recognizable, but "baby" popped up once or twice. In a business like way, she lifted my afghan up from my feet over my knees.

"What are you doing?" I said, peevishly. To which she responded with a serious manner I rarely see. "d-iver baby." Huh? It took me a while to realize that my daughter was playing OB-GYN, and set on assisting Mom in having the baby. I began to giggle and then laugh.

This didn't please little miss doctor at all. With a bossy frown I'm used to seeing on her fathers face, she told me to push.

Great Advice to Make my Life Easier

So, after reading about Coras fridge raiding tendencies, several people suggested I use a typical method for limiting her access to food. Duct Tape!!!

At first I didn't understand. I know that duct tape is used as a cheep alternative to hand cuffs and gags, and when properly applied can stick people to walls. Perhaps this was a little too severe for a simple fridge thief. Then my girlfriend explained that the goal was to tape the refrigerator unit closed, ergo making raiding impossible.

Being pregnant and inclined towards raiding the cold box myself, I thought this would provide all sorts of difficulties. Its a good thing that my girlfriend and Mother are patient with me. It took a while to grasp the idea. Sunday afternoon, after removing a bar of butter from Coras hands (minus a nice sized chunk), I decided to give it a try.

I installed the tape correctly, high on the door, with a well hidden tab, flat, and tight. Ten minutes later, cora came up to the fridge, looked at it, looked at me, as if to say "Is that the best you can come up with?" She reached up, and in one smooth clean movement, ripped off the tape.

Why is it that Zarya is so unlucky as to walk past at this moment? What could be more fun then trying to put sticky icky duct tape on a cat?

Thank you Mom, Girlfriend. You were right. Cora didn't raid the fridge that time. I still don't think i'm going to put tape back up.