Saturday, July 26, 2008

Weekend Mornings

Weekend Morning Schedule Before Children

1. Wake up at 7 AM.
2. Pee.
3. Go back to bed. Sleep (or other stuff).
4. Wake up at 11 AM.
5. Get up. Turn on an action flick on TV with suitable violence.
6. Scrounge in the fridge. Eat a slice of leftover pizza and drink diet pop for breakfast.
7. Call friends.
8. Its after noon. Shower.
9. 2 PM. Meet up with friends at the mall for lunch.

Weekend Morning Schedule With Children.

1. Wake up at 3:30AM. Nurse the baby.
2. Pee. Go back to sleep.
3. Wake up at 4:00AM. Cuddle the 2 year old till she stops crying.
4. Change the baby's diaper. Nurse baby for three minutes.
5. Go back to sleep.
6. Wake up at 7:30AM. Feel lucky that you slept in 1/2 an hour.
7. Nurse the baby. Get milk for the 2 year old. Load Coffee maker.
8. 8:00AM. Turn on TV to nickelodeon. Watch 2 year old appropriate Cartoons.
9. Remember to turn on coffeemaker.
10. Fix breakfast for 2 year old (Cereal). Argue over who gets to pour the milk.
11. Remember to plug in coffeemaker. Turn on coffeemaker again.
12. Change two diapers. Make beds. Take 2 minute shower.
13. Get dressed. Get 2 year old dressed. Drink coffee.
14. 10 AM Drink coffee, nurse the baby, and read to the 2 year old, all at the same time.
15. Change diapers. Change your (puke/poop) soiled shirt. Change baby's cloths.
16. 10:30AM Relax.
17. 10:31 AM Chase 2 year old out of fridge or garden. Get her a snack.
18. It is now 11AM. Try and Call friends. Both children start crying.
19. Calm children. Get 2 year old milk to go with snack. Drink Coffee.
20. 11:30AM. Make lunch of chicken salad, fruits and vegis for healthy rounded child growth.
21. Its noon. Do dishes, start laundry. Drink Coffee.
22. 2PM. Meet children's friends at playground. Find another caffeine source.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Doing Yogurt

Cora loves my Yoga mat. The texture of the plastic. The fact that it comes in a convenient and fancy holder that can be carried around makes it easy for her to play with. I do not do yoga at home very often, especially not in the last eight months or so. Coras memory however, is extra-ordinary. She will do her favorite yoga moves on the mat. She likes downward dog, (imagine the bear walk position without doing any bear-walking). She also likes the warrior position. And some of the weirder streaching ones. Her only problem with Yoga is the name.

She thinks that its a yogurt mat. Thats probably because I used to let her eat yogurt on it in the morning in front of the TV. Neoprene plastic is easy to clean yogurt out of. Carpet is not. It was a logical choice on my side of things. Now if only I could convince her that the mat was actually for Yoga not Yogurt.

Actually, yesterday she decided that participation was necessary for the yoga mat to be fun. Either that or she is unilaterally electing herself my personal trainer. Actually a two year old is an excellent personal trainer. They have no concept of tired because they never are, and the seem to think you exist to chase them, and swing them around. Today, she just wanted me to do yoga.

At first she watched. We did the warrior poses. I don't think her feet were quite right, but the rest of her little body was an exact image of mine, six inches away on the same yogurt mat. Then I went into downward dog. She did to... underneath me.

Smiling up at me, she proceeded to crawl back and forth between my hands and feet as I shifted from the dog pose to the plank pose. When i dropped to the ground (hey, I'm not very good at yoga, so yes I dropped), for cobra pose, she decided we should do her puzzle.

Yoga mats aren't very comfortable with giant wood puzzle pieces scattered all over them.

Not to worry, I stood up and did the tree pose, eagle pose and swan? pose on each leg. These poses are great for increasing balance, especially when your personal trainer is pushing and pulling your leg or yoga mat the entire time. After only six minutes of yoga, I had the joy of doing a wooden puzzle.

My personal trainer pulled out the mat this morning. I'm getting smarter though. I handed her a yogurt and turned on the TV.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


When one has small children, one acquires certain odors. Today I smell like stale milk. Yesterday afternoon, I smelled like poop. I have reasons for both. Today, my youngest decided to nurse then puke up all over me. This was immediately AFTER I got out of the shower.

Yesterday my two year old returned from a back yard adventure with her pants and diaper in her hands. Her legs and hands were a deep brown color, courtesy of her own poop. She left her (white) shirt on though. "I poop Momma." she told me.

Thank You Miss obvious, I felt like saying. I actually said "I can see that. Stay right where you are." I drew in the voice of absolute command. "Do not come in the house." I finished. There was enough steel in the last six words to make the energizer bunny freeze in his tracks.

In one of those rare moments of inspiration, I realized why I always leave my garden hose hooked up. With a twist of a dial, the poop mess turned into an awfully wet and fun clean up. The smell lingered though, so the two year old got a bath. I didn't. I washed my hands like a doctor would and finished dinner.

I see all sorts of ads depicting stay at home mothers doing a variety of work. These portrayals of pristine dresses dainty high heeled shoes and perfect houses date back to the beginning of media marketing (check out sears and roebucks catalog's from the late 1800's). They make me want to laugh hysterically. They might look like domestic goddesses, but I'll bet my bellybutton they still smell like stale milk and baby poop.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Two Year Old Time and Manners

Two year olds have a different concept of time. I brought home some patterns from the fabric store, and material to make Cora a shirt. I showed her the two types and asked her which she wanted me to make. She chose one. While I sat down to read the instructions she disappeared.

Before I could unfold the pattern form, she was back in the living room, stripped to the waist, demanding her new shirt. My explanation that sewing took more than five milli-seconds resulted in an amused and patient look. "Put your shirt back on, Please!" I ordered.

"No Mom, I wait." she told me.
Five minutes later, she was at my side. "Shirt NOW Mommy." she ordered. As I have so many times I automatically corrected her. "How do you ask nicely?"

There was a pause. "Shirt Now Mommy, Please." she said. I appologized to her, explaining that it would take me at least a week to finish the shirt. "Please put your shirt back on." I asked her.

"No Mom, I wait." she told me.

Five minutes later...

Its been two days since I bought the patterns. The sleeves are set in the shirt. I need only to hem it and stitch the neckline. I'm happy to say that aside from momentary lapses, resulting from the site of the shirt material, she is NOT topless.

Today she wanted to make "cakes" her word for any of the instant muffins we make in our cupcake pan. At 9 AM I informed her we would make them after lunch. She stared at me, got off her chair and went to the fridge. Seeing I had neglected to follow her, she returned to usher me back into the kitchen. "What do you want honey?" I asked her.

"Make lunch now Mommy." she ordered. Then, she noticed my look of consternation she smiled brilliantly, "Please?"

Two year olds have no concept of time. But you can teach them manners.