Friday, September 5, 2008

Spitting

After feeding the baby at 3 AM, I crawled back into bed, listening to the end of hurricaine gustav rain down upon my roof. I was half asleep when something cold hit my face. Lieing with my face towards my husbands, I thought to myself, why is he spitting while he sleeps? Another splat landed on my shoulder, it was cold.

It was not spit. It was raining. I forgot to close the windows, I thought.

No, the window was closed. All the windows were closed. What was wrong then? Where was the water coming from?

It dripped again, and i heard it hit the sheets below. It was dripping out of the fan. I sat up, placed my hand on the spot. Here I thought my husband was spitting on me in contempt as I slept, but it was only the roof leaking, I felt so releived.

Wait, the roof was leaking? Maybe I should make coffee, I thought. This is not making sense.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Taste; Because I Don't Have Any

It is a good thing that my daughter Cora has taste. I do not. In fact, some days I doubt that I even have tact. My in-laws, at whose house I clearly demonstrated the inability to make funny quips and say humerous statements without offending someone will attest to that fact. I'm still trying to make up for calling Jessies outfit un-matching. After being in graduate school and knowing the sort of schedule that one lives by while striving to do so many other things (like cook, laundry, clean, spend time with family, breathe....) I just feel horrible for re-enforcing some sort of super standard on someone who is already exceeding spectacular.

The worst part, is that I really am not fashionable. I wear alot of black, because you can't mis-match black with other colors too frequently, and because black hides stains. I wear alot of t-shirts, because I can whip them off fast to feed the baby. Most of my outfits engender the statement "doesn't think about her clothes and can't lift the baby poop stains."

Cora on the other hand cares about clothes, and not just on herself. She cares about colors, and she doesn't like it when Mom wears certain shirts. She made me put back the navy tank top, instead of wearing it with the black jeans. I am so lucky to have the little fashionista in my household. She even does experimental wardrobes with her dresses and shirts. "Angels", her word for dresses, are in vogue right now, accompanied by a pair of shorts or even pants, fitting right into that long torso look I see in fashion magazines. When she begs for bermuda shorts I will start turning in the application to Parsons.

If the clothes make the person, Coras 24 carat. I guess that puts me down there at gold plated. Oh well. From what her grandparents and great-grandparents tell me, there is no daughter alive who truely approves of the way their mother dresses.

Besides, at least someone has taste, because I do not.

Potty Fairy!!!!

I was desperate. My moral was low. Cora would pee and poop in the potty but she would not be a consistent potty user. On top of that, she thought that her bowel movements were gifts. In an effort to share the "love" she would poop in her hand and present them to Mom. You can only hold your disgust over such odiferous presents for so long before you feel like crying in frustration. Plus, my mind paniced. If I showed too much admiration, or lack of disappointment, she might decide to do that to a guest. I'm sure Emily Post does not have a chapter on "How to deal with guests reations to childs gift of escrement." Maybe Martha Stewart has some advice...

Now that you understand exactly how low my moral was, let me tell you the brilliant solution. First, Cora learned how to finish the process. She helped me clean up every poop and pee mess. This is part of the "going pee and poop" scenario. If you miss, you clean (or at least help). Second, I pulled out a contemporary of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny (no chocolate egg jokes here), the Tooth Fairy, and the birthday bird. Perhaps you have heard of ...... the POTTY FAIRY!

Said fairy, in an effort to reward the self control of the learning "big kid", leaves little gifts for children who go the whole day without any accidents. They leave this gift on the closed toilet seat in the morning, like the tooth fairy leaves money under your pillow. How long the potty fairy leaves gifts is still up for debate. I am hoping the answer is, as long as necessary.

Its nice to bring magic into my childs life.

Yes. Bribery works on small children. It works really well. Best of all, I no longer recieve little "chocolate" gifts.