Monday, February 9, 2009

5 AM, or thoughts about change.

Spring and fall send me odd messages. The changes in barometric pressure, and the shift in noise all disturb my light sleep. Change is one thing I enjoy, loss of sleep is not. However, this late night did give me time to reflect on some oddities of life.

For those of you who do not already know (and between myself, my husband and my mom, that list should be mighty short), we are expecting again. I put "another baby" on my christmas list to my Mom-in-Law. I keep on forgetting that given the way Cora turned out (high energy, low sleep, stubborn), God answers her prayers.

Like Cora, though the love is there, the timing on this baby is not perfect. Having concieved Cora in 2005, I have now been pregnant parts of five years running. Nyobi and in-vitro one will be, at most, 16 months apart. I would prefer they be closer to 15 months. Over due babys are very uncomfortable.

Cora is taking the whole thing rather well. She wants another baby, however, never having had a baby brother, and thinking highly of her baby sister, she informed me that the baby had to be female, "or a puppy, or a kitty!" Her eyes twinkled with excitement and amusement. I am not going to take her seriously enough to explain the impossibility of interspecies gestation.

My husband, having decided that Gods hand played a serious role in this conception, is certain this baby will be male. It looks like he and Cora do not see eye to eye on this event. He is dealing well with the idea of new baby, though the crazy hormonal, sleep deprived wife is giving him problems.

Nyobi has no idea what is going on. She is just happy with life, as long as I hold her, and she can vomit up at the worst possible times. For her, Mommys pregnancy won't mean much until the baby appears. Perhaps then, it will simply be an opportunity to get bunk beds and share a room with her big sister. I'm not sure I will be able to stand the late night giggles that arrangment will produce.

Me, my life is consumed with worry, partially due to hormones. I worry about my husbands stress level, being the 90% provider for another two years. I worry about Cora feeling invaded by having to share her room and toys with her sister. I worry about Nyobi getting cheated out of toddler years. I worry about my "business" and whether I will have time to properly pursue that now, or ever. I worry about the idea of having three children in high school at the same time, and at least two in college for five years straight. And in the middle of the night, when I can not sleep a very evil little thought creaps in the back of my mind. What happens if my body is just playing a cruel joke on me? What if I am not pregnant.

And the thought that seems to keep me up longer than the one above follows closely on its heels. What if its twins?

For now, I will pick out a girls name and go back to bed. After all, divine intervention only goes so far right? Besides, I don't remember praying for any two for one deals recently. Hopefully my Mom-in-Law didn't either. She seems to have a direct line to The Big Guy.